It’s my second mother’s day and it goes without saying how much more you appreciate your own mother when you have kids. And when I say “appreciate”, it’s not the same appreciation you feel as a kid (“thanks mom for feeding me and making me peanut butter sandwiches”) because it’s different now. Really different.
The older I grew – the more our relationship changed and somewhere along the way – as I depended on her less and less – I stopped looking up to her with the same admiration I felt as a child when I watched her get ready for work, or when she came to my rescue when I fell off the park slide.I basically just…stopped…needing her. I stopped depending on her for my most basic needs, and quite bluntly – sometimes (…ok ok…MOST times) she annoys me the way no one else does. Somehow, the roles got reversed withouteither of us realizing it. Not only did I stop needing her, but I also felt like a mother to my own mother and I’m not sure when that happened.
That’s not to say we’re not close – we are very close. She is, after all, the ONLY person in the world I can absolutely be myself around. The husband is a close second, but onlymy mother sees my good and EXTREMELY unfiltered ugly side. However, with everything going on in life (#adulting), it feels like a burden to have to include her in everything I do. It takes effort to see her. I don’t know if everyone’s relationship with their mother is this way, but this shit makes me feel incredibly guilty.
So yeah – call me an asshole, but for this mother’s day – I don’t actually want to spend time with my mom. Yeah – I want it to be about me (even though I’d tell Khoi “I don’t care what we do for Mother’s Day” and it’s just some stupid “Hallmark Holiday”). Wow – what a selfish, non-mom thing to say, but I said it and now I feel shitty. Because then I think about Kara and how much of the world I am to her. And I think about how hurt I’d be if someday in the far (hopefully very far) future, Kara felt the same way. And so I get to thinking about my mother again. And my overwhelming guilt morphs into a brand new type of appreciation as something becomes very clear.
No matter how I feel or whether or not I spend Mother’s Day or any time at all with her – my mommy will always love me unconditionally. And I know that to be true now – not just because I know my mother – but now, because I, too, am a mother. So if one day Kara doesn’t want to spend Mother’s Day with me – I won’t be hurt and I know I’ll still love her and that makes me love mymommy even more.
Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. Even though we might not hang out – I love you.